Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
“Please wake me at 5:00 AM.” He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM
and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to go and
see why his wife hadn’t wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by
the bed. The paper said, “It is 5:00 AM. Wake up.”
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

The wife said, “You should do it, because you get up first,and then we don’t have to wait as long to get our coffee.”

The husband said, ” You are in charge of cooking around here and you should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee.”

Wife replies, “No, you should do it, and besides, it is in the Bible that the man should do the coffee.”

Husband replies, “I can’t believe that, show me.”

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and showed him at the top of several pages, that it indeed says……….”HEBREWS”

The wife responded, “Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me;God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!”

The wife replied, “The reason has to be because we have to repeat everything to men…

The husband then turned to his wife and asked, “What?”

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, “Relatives of yours?”

“Yep,” the wife replied, “in-laws.”

“Well,” said her mother, “How was the honeymoon?”

“Oh Mama,” she replied, “the honeymoon was wonderful. So romantic..”,then suddenly she burst out crying .. “But mama, as soon as we returned, Sam started using the most horrible language — things
I’d never heard before! I mean all these awful four letter words! You’ve got to take me home… PLEASE MAMA!”

“Sarah, Sarah!” her mother said, “calm down! You need to stay with your husband and work this out. Now, tell me, what could be so awful?

WHAT four letter words?”

“Please don’t make me tell you mama” wept the daughter, “I’m so embarrassed,they’re just too awful! COME GET ME PLEASE!!”

“Darling! Baby! You must tell me what has you so upset! Tell your mother these horrible four letter words!”

Sobbing the bride said, “Oh Mama… he used words like …. dust, wash, iron, cook…”

“I’ll pick you up in twenty minutes,” said the mother

Along comes a Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, “Good morning, Ma’am. What are you doing?”

“Reading a book,” she replies, (thinking, “Isn’t that obvious?”)

“You’re in a Restricted Fishing Area,” he informs her.

“I’m sorry, officer, but I’m not fishing. I’m reading.”

“Yes, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I’ll have to take you in and write you up.”

“If you do that, I’ll have to charge you with sexual assault,” says the woman.

“But I haven’t even touched you,” says the game warden.

“That’s true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment.”

“Have a nice day ma’am,” and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It’s likely she can also think.

A woman was at her hairdresser’s getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband.

She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, “Rome?

Why would anyone want to go there? It’s crowded and dirty. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”

“We’re taking Continental,” was the reply, “We got a great rate!”

“Continental?” exclaimed the hairdresser. “That’s a terrible airline.

Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they’re always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?”

“We’ll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome’s Tiber River called Teste.”

“Don’t go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it’s gonna be something special and exclusive, but it’s really a dump, the worst Hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they’re overpriced. So, whatcha’ doing when you get there?”

“We’re going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope.”

“That’s rich,” laughed the hairdresser, “You and a million other people trying to see him. He’ll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck On this lousy trip of yours. You’re going to need it.”

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome.

“It was wonderful,” explained the woman, “not only were we on time in one of Continental’s brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they Bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot.”

“And the hotel was great! They’d just finished a $5 million remodeling job and now it’s a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, Were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner’s suite at no extra charge!”

“Well,” muttered the hairdresser, “that’s all well and good, but I know you didn’t get to see the Pope.”

“Actually, we were quite Blessed, because as we toured the Vatican , a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder, and explained that the Pope likes To meet some of the visitors, and if I’d be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me.”

“Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me.”

“Oh really! What’d he say?”

He said, “Where’d you get the shitty hairdo?”

1. Are engaged for five years or more.

2. Never bother to divorce, they just separate.

3. Are late to church, work, and everything else EXCEPT when the disco is free before 9 p.m.

4. Refer to diabetes as ’sugar’.

5. Show up at weddings, showers, graduation, and birthday parties in a new outfit with nails and hair done but no gift.

6. In relation to #5, they eat like crazy and take a plate home.

7. Consider “clubbing” or “hanging” as a monthly expense.

8. Leave bills (instead of insurance money) behind for surviving relatives.

9. Borrow money for a wedding.

10. Have mothers who can use curse words and religion ALL IN ONE SENTENCE, like – Lord, give me strength because I am about to knock the hell out of this child.

11. Spend the car insurance money on everything EXCEPT getting the dent fixed.

12. Invite co-workers and all their friends to their child’s first birthday party, which happens to have a professional DJ with only about three kids (including the child) in attendance.

13. Start every sentence with “Me I…” For example, “Me I donno why you are saying that I always say ‘Me I’.”

14. Say ’spend’ when they are staying the night elsewhere from home.Example: Are you going to spend the night at her place?

15. Put iron rods in all windows and main doors…referring to them as “burglars”.

16. Use “Kyoka” as an exclamation mark. Example:Kyoka, what are you doing?

17. Believe “Anti” is an English word for “Because”

18. Think it is cool to drink and drive and get away with it – “I don’t know how I got home that day?the way I was soo drunk!”

19. Think all their economic and social problems are caused by “Museveni” when in fact some have never been to school.

20. Pack up all their earthly goods to go to kyalo (village) for a week in December, only to pack them all back again after that one week and return to tao (town).

21. Call travelling “flying out”.Example: She flew out (no one ever seems to wonder where all these Ugandans
fly to).

22. Think that taking a clerical job in a company is better than toiling in their parents’ family business.

23. Prefer washing cars and dishes in the USA to toiling in their 20-acre tea farms in Uganda.

24. Call their homes “at ours”.example: At ours, we eat tooke every day.

25. Complain for five years about poor governance and corruption then vote the same clowns back to Parliament.

26. Go on strike for one day and expect the government to resign!

27. Sit back in their homes and expect their MP to “bring Development”.

28. Refuse to insure against anything and expect you to bankroll them when calamity strikes… through fundraisings (read begging meetings).

29. Sit calmly and sometimes cheer as a mad man drives them in a ramshackle taxi at breakneck speed to certain death.

30. Drive with their windows wound up when they get to the city centre because of 4-year-old brats armed with
human faeces, and still claim to be free people!

“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don’t expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won’t be home for dinner. I’ll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my old buddies and don’t you give me a hard time about it. Those are my rules. Any comments?”

His new bride said, “No, that’s fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o’clock every night.. whether you’re here or not.”