I believe in saving for a sunny day
I believe that being organized is highly overrated….until I can’t find my car keys
Played correctly,I believe that checkers can be a contact sport
I believe that the job of a best friend is to make you laugh until you hiccup (or wet your pants)
I believe in singing in the shower..so loud the neighbors complain
I believe a splash of color and a dash of pattern beat a diet anyday
I believe in letting myself shine
[dressbarn ad]
-You are more likely to get struck by lightning than win the lottery, but more people try to win the lottery than get stuck by lightning, wonder why when the odds are better.
-Can god create a rock he can’t lift?
-3 mice ran up the clock, the clock struck one, what happened to the other two? They escaped with minor injuries?
-Do rock stars get free copies of there music?
-If you seen a ufo would you tell anyone?
-Have you ever told anyone you pee’d on your shoe’s by accident?
-How many licks does it really take to get to the center of a tootsie pop?
-Good things come to those who wait, wait for what?
-If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
-How come we choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
-Isn’t having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
-Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
I’m a hoarder.
Its a bad habit I picked up from somewhere..don’t know where but I always hold onto stuff and I hardly throw anything away unless I absolutely,totally must get rid of it.
Naturally this causes storage issues and disorganization issues which is why for the month of July
I’m going to force myself to let go…literally.
I’m going to force myself to adopt a “touch it once” policy where I only touch a piece of paper once and then throw it away or file it away.
That reminds me,I need to pick up some folders and develop some kind of filing system because I spend way too much time digging through boxes and piles of paper for important documents!
-Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it.
-Doing it right the first time is unappreciated. Trying 6 times to get it right is job security.
-The beatings will continue until morale improves.
-The light at the end of the tunnel may be a train heading in your direction.
-Accept that some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue.
-I don’t have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
-On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
-I don’t suffer from stress. I’m the carrier.
-Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.
-I love deadlines. I especially like the whooshing sounds they make as they go flying by.
-This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
-I work 40 hours a week to be this poor.
-There is always one more son-of-a-bitch than you counted on.
-There is absolutely no substitute for a genuine lack of preparation.
-You can’t tell which way the train went by looking at the tracks.
-The facts, although they may be interesting, are irrelevant.
-The careful application of terror is a form of communication.
-Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the rest of the world.
-Friends may come and go but enemies accumulate.
-I have seen the truth, and it makes no sense.
-If you think there is good in everyone, you haven’t met everyone.
-If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
-By the time you can make ends meet, they change the ends.
-The more you run over a dead cat, the flatter it gets.
-If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
-For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
-He who hesitates is probably right.
-Success always occurs in private, and failure in full view.
-Eagles may soar, but weasels aren’t sucked into jet engines.
(thanks to the folks over at tip list for these funny stupid thoughts)
-The little tray that pops out of your computer, is not a cup holder.
-Lot lizards are not really a gecko
-Zenith only brings things to life, if you take the back off the tv, and grab all the wires.
-Coke adds life only if you use it to remove rust.
-If Pepsi is the choice of the new generation, how can this be, the new generation isn’t even born yet
-Women in strip clubs are there to earn money not to take you home with them.
-Men that weigh over 150lbs should not wear Speedo’s because it does make your penis look smaller.
-Your 8 track tape player in your car is not cool.
-A dodge viper can not do 150 in Houston Texas traffic at 5pm.
-A real hacker can hack an atm.
-Women do not need men, they have BOB’s
-Marriage changes passion…suddenly you’re in bed with a relative.
-Every time I walk into a singles bar I can hear Mom’s wise words: “Don’t pick that up, you don’t know where it’s been.”
-Always remember the little guy.
-Never leave a man broke.
-Indecision is the key to flexibility.
-I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day.
Tomorrow isn’t looking good either.
-Am I getting smart with you? How would you know?
-When its raining outside, you will get wet if your outside.
-If you don’t put the key in the ignition and turn it your car will not start.
-Sex with ugly women is still sex.
-Yes your Dad had sex with your Mother.
-Water is h2o
-The little round things in urinals is not a peppermint.
-Beer is not part of a food group.
-Penis size does matter
-Every man on the net does not have 8.5 inches, only in there mind do they have this
-Opinions are like butt holes everyone has one no one really cares about yours.
-Do not stand behind and elephant when it poopies.
-You should not drive on a flat tire even if it is round at the top.
-Just because your vcr flashes 12:00 does not mean its 12:00 it is only right two minutes out of the day.
-You really turn an air conditioner down to make it cooler not up.
-Water freezes at 32 degrees.
